Sinking.

I want to start self-reflecting again. In the written word. 

The voices inside my head are deafening. There are too many emotions. And I'm drowning beneath the weight of it all.

I woke up today morning with a sinking feeling. I felt so alone in the world, not knowing how I got here.

It feels like it's been ages since I've connected with someone. Anyone. I miss the warm feeling you get when you are surrounded by people you love. The feeling of being loved back. Of simply being able to be myself. 

It's been 9 years since things started going downhill for us. That's a long time. Heck, it's most of my adult life. But sometimes I just can't get you out of my head. Just can't shake the most random of memories and the pain of broken dreams. I was looking back at the notes, messages, and emails we exchanged – I found something I wrote for your 26th birthday. (I can't believe that I'm turning 30 this year!) "If we ever broke up, I'll find a thousand reasons to blame me, and none to blame you." It made me chuckle at how predictable I am. Even when I had no reason to believe things wouldn't work out between us. Funnily enough, now that enough time has passed, I really can't bring myself to blame you entirely. With each passing look back at our messages, I realize how much of an immature idiot I was, unable to look past my own feelings. Yes, I felt betrayed and had every reason to have been mad at you. But I could've handled it better. I should've realized that life with you in it would've been better than the one without. But now, I've said some things to you that I can never take back. I really wish I could, and reverse the damage those words caused. But none of us can turn back time. We can wish for it, but it will never happen.

Honestly, I've mostly accepted things the way they are – but I'm still trying to let go of the underlying regret that resurfaces from time to time. 

It's been 4 years since I've heard your voice. The voice that made me believe everything will be okay. The voice that brought sunshine to the dullest of days. I really want to hear your voice. I'm trying to find the courage to call you, but I'm so torn. I promised you 4 years ago that I will try my best to never talk to you again. I wish you've forgotten that I made you that promise.

Sometimes, I feel like there's something's wrong with me. That I'm crazy. Messed up. Broken. That I'm incapable of letting you go. Letting go of the pain of losing you. Of not having you in my life. Am I crazy? Is it obsessive? 

For some reason, my heart refuses to believe that we had wasn't something special. Something rare. Something I've been looking for, ever since, and still haven't been able to find. Even after 4 years of being so away from you, in a foreign country. I wonder if you feel that way sometimes too? If you think about me sometimes and feel sad too?

Other times, I feel lucky to have found love so profound. People say that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. But I don't know if they know how much losing love hurts? If they know how it makes everything pale in comparison? 

Okay, I'm done with today's rant. 

Be back soon.

P.S. I don't know why I'm choosing to write this on the blog rather than my personal notes. I guess it feels more effective in terms of letting my feelings actually go than holding on to it? 

P.P.S. If anybody is reading this, drop me a hi.