I know that towards the end of my last post I promised myself to write about how doing MDMA changed my perspective towards life - but as the days went on, I don't know how it really happened, but I experienced some of lowest lows in my life. I hated myself, my thoughts repulsed me. Desperation, anxiety and depression - all came marching right in.
I was ashamed of having the thoughts I was having, running through my head over and over again. And like the brilliant person I am (it's sarcastic, really) I had no idea how to get rid of them or had any clue how to vent or express myself. You see the problem here, I've never really known how to express myself or my feelings for that matter. I'm amazed and always in awe of people who are expressive and can let people know how they're feeling. I wish I could do that. I really do. I loathed getting out of bed, slept a record-breaking 16-17 hours a day on weekends, was regularly late to report for work, spoke to no one in particular - except the bare minimum, and constantly questioned my existence - dreaming of suicide, waking up in the middle of the night, crying my eyes out. I could go on, but I'm sure you get the hint by now.
Being constantly depressed is really exhausting. It feels like you're fighting a war with yourself. Asking (begging, to be more accurate) for your mind to let you go. I try to raise a peace flag every day - and during one of my momentary relapses (one of them being right now) of consciousness and realisation of what the fuck was I actually doing with my life, I decided to finally get going with my remaining college applications and finish writing my 'motivation letter' which was essentially a summary of my academic and work life, my reasons for pursuing the course and how I see it fulfilling my future career goals - all put into 1500 odd words. I wrote and re-wrote endlessly for hours, days and nights - revising, proofreading, re-writing. It was difficult - after all, my mind had been switched off for days at a stretch and I struggled to find words or form proper sentences, but I knew I had to get this done somehow.
Then one day, when I was finally satisfied with what I had produced, I submitted my application - and voila! Two days (one and a half, more like) later I get a reply that I've been accepted! It all happened so quickly that I didn't even know how to react. I mean, traditionally, colleges take their own sweet time to reply back, have baseless, hyped up interviews and then finally, after testing your patience, let you know that your perseverance has indeed paid off! But no. Here I am, in the office seeing an email notification on my screen pop up from some fancy French named women, getting a slight headrush from the overpowering anxiety. What's it going to be? Isn't this too soon? Is this even real? Am I just imagining it? It could be a hoax? I feel like I'm going to puke. I think I had to actually close my eyes in order to be prepared to read what the email said. But it said yes. And it was the shortest email I had ever received, but it really changed my life and turned it upside down.
So yes, I'm going to France. In a little over three months - 100 days to be exact. (OMG I swear I didn't plan to write about this today, but I just calculated and freaked myself out again!)
Yes, I'm excited. Yes, I can't stop day-dreaming about it. But the thing is, however badly I want to get rid of the mess of a life that I have right now, I think I'm going to miss it. No, I am definitely going to miss it. Every time I think of it, I feel like I'm going to burst into tears. And you know my primary problem, I will never be able to tell people I care about, how much I really do care about them and will miss them more than they could ever imagine. But I promise I'm going to try my best though and hence, have decided to write them all a letter each and hand it out to them the last time I see them before I leave. I don't know how effective that's going to turn out but I really want them to have a tangible piece of how I feel. Maybe it'll ease my pain knowing that I did actually say whatever it is that I wanted to say, even if not verbally. What if I never see them again? Do I want to live my life in regret knowing that I could have let people know their value in my life? No.
Life is short and unpredictable and I don't know how it's going to play out for me, but knowing that I'll have lesser regrets to carry on to my new chapter in life is going to help me for sure.
Until next time,
Ananya
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