I know I've been away for too long, but there's this thing that I really need to get of my chest - it's just that I've been wondering a lot lately whether leaving behind "a well-settled" life was actually the right thing to do.
Even as I'm typing this, my brain is like, "What a silly question, of course it was! How else would you grow? What about your dream of going out there and exploring the world? Isn't this what you always wanted?" Yes, the obvious answer is yes, to all those questions. And to be honest, before this weird phase that I'm in right now (I'm hoping it is a phase) , I never even imagined that I'd even wonder what is it like to settle and build a life around the people you love, you know? I've always had elaborate plans for my life - and none of them included settling down. Nope. Not even close.
But now, I'm forced to wonder if I'd ever find that kind of warmth and a sense of belonging again. Whether giving it all up to chase the goals that I set for myself years ago worth it? Do people change? Have I changed? Will I hate being settled once I do? Will I hate myself if I never settle? I don't know.
You see, I've been a very lonely child growing up in my teenage years - and I've mostly been okay with it. I've even come to accept it as a personality flaw. So the fact that I still haven't managed to "fit in" with my classmates or the college crowd doesn't surprise or frustrate me one bit. I know that these things take time with me, and I'm okay with it. Well, mostly okay. Because lately I've been feeling like I'm running out of time. (I've been here for what, 5 months now?)
You know the strangest thing ever happened to me in the past few years. Suddenly out of nowhere, I had friends. Real friends (also I found solace in being around colleagues who appreciated and accepted me for who I am and liked me nonetheless). They were kind of always around. It was a kind of friendship that didn't need to be imposed or planned or coordinated in order to function. It just existed, and there's something weirdly beautiful about that. I know it might sound completely absurd to someone who has always had friends or people around. But that hasn't always been the case with me. And the fact that I'm deeply emotional with an acute disability to express emotions, makes things much more complicated for me. These years actually made me realise and see the beauty of real human connections.
I guess I'm just frightened to my core that I'll never find that kind of comfort again. I mean, I'm out here, in France, supposedly living the dream. But all I feel is lonely and disoriented. Why? I mean I'm still trying to constantly keep in touch with the people back in India, they're still there - but it just isn't the same. Their life is going on without me being around to see or be in it, and similarly mine without them. I feel like there's a vital piece missing from this messed up jigsaw puzzle of a life.
I don't even know if this just my brain pulling a "grass is always greener on the other side"? I just don't know. I won't ever know (unless proven wrong).
I've never been so unsure in life, and I hope I get out of this rut soon.
Love always,
Ananya
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